My optimism sure is taking its sweet, sweet time in getting to me. That is, if it will ever get here in the first place.

It's been a week since that little episode. Okay, so I shouldn't exactly call it 'little' because I have just admitted to myself that I liked my best friend which can lead to a) the beginning of the end of a lifelong relationship (I know, right? What a waste!) or b) the beginning of, well, something more intimate (but also which, according to the numbers, can end up in ruin as well, 99% of the time).

So both results look, well, bad is an understatement. Really. Which is why I still can't accept the fact... even though I gave already admitted it to myself. Weird, yes, but I don't know anyone else who gets himself either.

My sanity's going downhill at a very alarming rate. I need help here. I know I can't spend another week like this. Either my hair will fall out or I'll do something stupid like confess or be completely obvious or-

"Lee, it's so obvious!" Dmitri exclaimed, clearly worried. He waved his hands in front of me, and I couldn't help but stare back at him, effectively pulled away from my thoughts.

"Huh? W-What?" and I almost said, "No, it's not!" but realized a second earlier that that would have been a dead giveaway. Good. I still have a bit of sanity left, so it would seem.

"Are you sure you can handle the defense? You look so serious, you know, so preoccupied. Nervous?" he asked, looking weirdly at me. A week earlier, I happily (maybe too happily) volunteered to star in the defense because I thought that burying myself in schoolwork would distract me from the problem on hand.

I was wrong. I couldn't stop thinking about him no matter what I did.

"Yeah, of course. Just... uhh, mentally preparing myself. You know, picturing how it would go in my mind. Yeah..." I'm sorry I lied, Dmitri. Actually, the project is the least of my worries right now.

Our hypothesis got rejected. I don't know why. I honestly worked hard on it, even though I was immensely distracted. And when I presented, I did it perfectly, as usual. I was prepared and confident. I guess the hypothesis itself was just not good enough.

I was pretty down, obviously. And like any other person, I let my guard down too.

"I wish there was a formula for true love." I said to no one in particular. Classes have been dismissed half an hour ago, and Dmitri and I were back in our favorite coffee shop. We were supposed to be studying but I'm too sad and exhausted (go figure) to think rationally right now. Or to think, period.

"Huh? Wow Lee, you're talking about love?" Dmitri replied, feigning shock or I don't know. I can't be so sure. He was reading his eco book in silence and he actually stopped to look at me. Okay, so maybe he was genuinely surprised. But why? Hey, I'm offended!

"Maybe that would have won Mrs. Crafford over..." I continued, still talking to myself.

"Love, huh. But why love of all things? Don't tell me..." he said mischievously, poking my side.

“Hey! Ow!” I grimaced when he poked the space between my ribs, finally bringing me back to Earth, to the coffee shop. “But seriously, I don’t know… maybe true love because it’s been one of those big issues of all time, you know… OH WAIT!”

“Hmm?”

“Yeah, what if we tried to calculate the possibility of two people falling in love? Statistics, Dmitri! Actuations!” I exclaimed, nearly jumping from my seat. It wasn’t really for the project this time but you know, what if I cold use math to figure everything out? Do I really like him or is this just infatuation? If so, what are the chances of getting the response I want from him? And et cetera!

(I know, people are not numbers. I said that before and I’m not doing an about-face… but hey, I know Dmitri, I know him a hell lot, and I am well aware of the obvious signs. If I put those two together, then maybe, maybe I’ll get the answer, right?)

“Hey, hey, calm down Lee.” He replied, laughing softly. “It’s nice to see that you’re finally recovering but about that stat thing… isn’t love just about two things?”

“Huh, two things?” And wow, Dmitri has something to say about love? Now I’m the one who’s surprised.

“You either love the person or you don’t, right?”

There, he said it. With just that sentence, he simplified love into something even a preschooler can understand.

And it was like an epiphany for me. I stared at him incredulously for a minute or so, then fired back, “How can love be that simple? What about this scenario, or this, and this…” I rattled on as I hopelessly tried to uphold my side.

“Come on, Lee.” He smiled, and it sort of felt like a dad teaching his kid how to ride a bike for the first time. It was so simple and I felt so stupid. Embarrassed, too. Where does Dmitri get all this? “If something didn’t work out now, then it won’t work in five years. You can’t force love.”

I had to mentally stop my jaw from dropping in awe. Yeah… he’s right. Based on my thoughts and my actions, then does this mean I love him? But love is such a big word…

 “You either love the person or you don’t, right?”

One thing I know for sure is that I’m well on my way there.
 

It was just another day.

The alarm clock went off and I went back to sleep after- Okay, screw these cliche introductions. I'm lazy so I'll get straight to the point. I live what might be the "perfect, ideal life" for most people, so hence, people are pretty envious of me and I have lots of enemies. (No, this is not my ego speaking. It is in Seychelles for summer vacation.)

For all the praise I get and the awards I receive though, I still feel pretty crappy. Everything just isn't... enough, I guess. I'm blindly looking for something in the dark. Something that will make me feel human, because, honestly, I don't think I am. Hey, the possibility exists!

So, enough about me and the quest for that-which-I-don't-really-know-but-I-must-find. Thankfully, I'm also carefree and easy-going so I'll just enjoy what I have while it lasts. Like my bestfriend.

He's pretty much my opposite when it comes to, well, pretty much everything that matters. First and foremost, I'm female and he is male. I'm optimistic and he's really pessimistic. I laugh at problems and he runs away from them. In my opinion, my family pays too much attention to me, while his practically ignores him. But I guess that's why we get along. He's there to remind me that there's a really thin line between my hopes and reality, and I'm there to stop him from finally committing suicide.

Like me though, he's perfect. Or... I think he's perfect. Well, he's perfect for me.

I have always been surrounded by boys. Don't get me wrong, it's just that I like video games, wrestling, and gore. Well, let's face it, girls aren't usually into those kinds of things. So there, I was stuck with the boys.

Growing up, well, things change... and I'm not just talking about physical changes here. Alongside that, we started to be more aware of the opposite sex. The jerks who used to tease me about my plump cheeks in kindergarten were giving me flowers and asking me out for movies now.

I, of course, wasn't interested in such things so I rejected everyone. Apparently, most people don't take rejection well, unlike me, so I started losing all of my precious friends. A few years of this and eventually, he was the only one left behind.

That's why he is perfect for me. Because I know that he will never ask me out, that he will never tell me sweet nothings, that he will never like me more than I like him.

But now, I don't really know if that's what I really want.